What is this mom? Honey, this is life.

As I travel down the highway, on my way home from work today, it was hard to see clearly. It wasn't raining. It surely wasn't snowing, although that would not surprise me, we are in Michigan. It was the salty wet tears streaming from my eyes. Today was a really bad day.

I would have to say, this all started a few months ago. I should have seen today coming but I thought I took care of everything. And when I say everything, I mean my feelings. With the hubby being on 2nd shift now, waking up earlier than ever, Chase needing so much more attention, and all the other daily tasks that a housewife needs to do or think about, I started not thinking straight. All my days were beginning to become a blur to me. I couldn't remember even a simple task such as paying a bill on time, or planning ahead for dinner.  (I didn't have enough time to make or bake anything when I got home).

All this time I knew something was "off". Days went by and I just didn't feel right. I knew that with myself and the husband both taking new jobs and beginning a new chapter of our life together would not be easy. But I never imagined it to be this. Struggles. Is this is what my life is going to be like, I asked myself today. Today. The day that all my feelings, scares, worries, and questions came out on my ride home from work. While crying  like I have never cryed before. Asking God, where do I go from here. What have I done wrong. 

Today was an off day. Today I felt lost. I felt like a part of me is gone now. But I kept asking myself, what happened? Where did I lose all control? I have always considered myself to have a good grip on life. I have always been focused and determined to get where I wanted to go. Whether it be with my career, my schooling, or even my home life.
But today, I realized, that this is not the case anymore. I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

My career.
Having Chase at a very young age, I feel like I took some opportunities away from myself. I knew that God gave me Chase for a reason though. I would never experience this kind of love ever. And I truly believe that I won't. Chase has taught me some of the greatest lessons in life. From being patient to letting go and having fun.

It took me awhile, but I started going back to school and then had big dreams. Big goals. And I started going after them. But on my way, I somehow got distracted.
As I sit here today, I think, what happened? Where did I lose my focus? I wanted a successful career. To live in a gorgous house and live by a big city. I wanted to be known for something awesome. I know that I can still have that, but its almost like , how do I do that now? I'm 30. What can I do and who would want me now? Where did my "big" ideas go?
My house.
My house sits for sale today. The house that I thought I would never be in for more than 3 or 4 years. I have been here for 8. We are busting out at the seams. Oh how I have longed for a big house, with a big yard, and a room that Chase can have more than 2 friends in. But today, my thoughts were different. I am commuting 2 hours round trip for a job, I am not sure I want to do for the rest of my life. A job that I keep earing horrible things about. But we put our house up for sale with the intentions of moving closer to my job as well as my husbands. On my way home today, I cryed out, I don't even know if I want to move. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know if I want to move away from my family and friends. And at one time, I didn't even think twice about this. I was going to move no matter what.

Oh how things change in our lives. As I write this now, I still don't know how I got off track. Where did my dreams go? Where did all the great and wonderful ideas go? What were they?

Ever since I started writing in this blog, I didn't know what to write. I wanted to share one thing that I knew a lot about. And I have struggled with this since. But today, today is a new day. I am not improved, I am far from that. But I am going to write my feelings, my thoughts, and my dreams down. This will start, or restart my journey. A journey of a 30 year old girl that has no idea what she is doing with her life. I hope you enjoy my stories, share laughs with me as well as tears, and maybe even learn a thing or two.

Big Dreams. Lots of Hope and Love .
**A**

Holy cow! Has it really been that long since I blogged??

Well to catch you up, I officially left General Motors and have moved on to pursue my career in Logistics. This was not my intention, but I am really getting to like my job and the company I work for. I have so much room to grow with Schneider Logistics, and that has always been my goal.

November and December were great months for my husband and myself. He also started a new job and really loves it. December I graduated from Northwood University (finally, after 9 years) and was offered my current job.

So now that my husband and myself are driving at least 45 minutes a piece, we have put our house up for sale. It is pretty sad when our realtor says, "don't' get too excited yet" about selling our house. We know the market is bad, but we are in need of a bigger house...badly. And my husband has mentioned that if we get a bigger house, we could talk about adding to our family. Yes, that is right, a baby! When we committed to each other, a baby was out of the question. But now, we are both singing a new tune!

Stay tuned for more updates...............

I have been looking forward to the next two weeks forever it seems like. I have been swamped with homework lately, and while doing homework everything else was pushed to the side. So I decided today that things can wait. Tomorrow I leave for Detroit. Every year around this time me, my MIL, SIL, and great friends head to see Kenny Chesney and his crew. This year it is Sugarland (MY FAV), Miranda Lamber, Montgomery Gentry, and Lady Antebellum (love them too!) This weekend is for me. I need my weekend with my girls. I need the fun, excitement, and yes.... the booze! It will be nice to get away for three days this year, because usually its only two. And even though Josh says, "Why do you need a vacation, you don't work." But sometimes I feel like I am busier now, than when I am working! Is that possible, I think so!

Next week Chase and I are going on our second road trip together. Our first one was about 8 years ago, we went to Disney World. He really doesn't remember that, but next week we are off to Chicago. We will spend time with my friend Angie Woo for the first four days and then off to the big city to see some old friends and spend the weekend with my uncle and aunt. We are super excited. I am sure I will have lots to blog about hopefully during, but if not after I get back! Check back soon!! Back to cutting coupons!!!

Okay, so I realized I am not all that good at this blogging stuff. I tryed to stay on top of things, but this isn't one of them. Maybe I'll give it another try. Bear with me.........

I haven't attended a baby shower in about three years. This year I have had four so far. And three where in the same weekend. (One of the baby showers was my sisters. I cannot wait for little Sophia to come in to this world. The shower was awesome, and after planning it, and the wedding, I know for sure I missed my calling.) So you can imagine, I have babies on the mind. But stop right there, I know what you are thinking and the answer is no. Well, at least not until Josh and I get a new house, and win the lotto. =]
It is a nice warm and fuzzy feeling to think about having a little baby. They are so cute, warm, soft, and smell so good. I wonder what it would be like to go back to that stage again. Chase is 10 years old. Wow. What a age difference that would be. I do find myself asking other moms what are the difference in age between their kids. Some may think I am strange, but I want to know how it would work. I did tell Josh that I would not want to be pregnant during the summer. I mean come on, camping, beer tents, you know, the normal Bay Cityian life.
Will it happen??? No one knows. =]