Wednesday, April 14, 2010
As I travel down the highway, on my way home from work today, it was hard to see clearly. It wasn't raining. It surely wasn't snowing, although that would not surprise me, we are in Michigan. It was the salty wet tears streaming from my eyes. Today was a really bad day.
I would have to say, this all started a few months ago. I should have seen today coming but I thought I took care of everything. And when I say everything, I mean my feelings. With the hubby being on 2nd shift now, waking up earlier than ever, Chase needing so much more attention, and all the other daily tasks that a housewife needs to do or think about, I started not thinking straight. All my days were beginning to become a blur to me. I couldn't remember even a simple task such as paying a bill on time, or planning ahead for dinner. (I didn't have enough time to make or bake anything when I got home).
All this time I knew something was "off". Days went by and I just didn't feel right. I knew that with myself and the husband both taking new jobs and beginning a new chapter of our life together would not be easy. But I never imagined it to be this. Struggles. Is this is what my life is going to be like, I asked myself today. Today. The day that all my feelings, scares, worries, and questions came out on my ride home from work. While crying like I have never cryed before. Asking God, where do I go from here. What have I done wrong.
Today was an off day. Today I felt lost. I felt like a part of me is gone now. But I kept asking myself, what happened? Where did I lose all control? I have always considered myself to have a good grip on life. I have always been focused and determined to get where I wanted to go. Whether it be with my career, my schooling, or even my home life.
But today, I realized, that this is not the case anymore. I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
My career.
Having Chase at a very young age, I feel like I took some opportunities away from myself. I knew that God gave me Chase for a reason though. I would never experience this kind of love ever. And I truly believe that I won't. Chase has taught me some of the greatest lessons in life. From being patient to letting go and having fun.
It took me awhile, but I started going back to school and then had big dreams. Big goals. And I started going after them. But on my way, I somehow got distracted.
As I sit here today, I think, what happened? Where did I lose my focus? I wanted a successful career. To live in a gorgous house and live by a big city. I wanted to be known for something awesome. I know that I can still have that, but its almost like , how do I do that now? I'm 30. What can I do and who would want me now? Where did my "big" ideas go?
My house.
My house sits for sale today. The house that I thought I would never be in for more than 3 or 4 years. I have been here for 8. We are busting out at the seams. Oh how I have longed for a big house, with a big yard, and a room that Chase can have more than 2 friends in. But today, my thoughts were different. I am commuting 2 hours round trip for a job, I am not sure I want to do for the rest of my life. A job that I keep earing horrible things about. But we put our house up for sale with the intentions of moving closer to my job as well as my husbands. On my way home today, I cryed out, I don't even know if I want to move. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know if I want to move away from my family and friends. And at one time, I didn't even think twice about this. I was going to move no matter what.
Oh how things change in our lives. As I write this now, I still don't know how I got off track. Where did my dreams go? Where did all the great and wonderful ideas go? What were they?
Ever since I started writing in this blog, I didn't know what to write. I wanted to share one thing that I knew a lot about. And I have struggled with this since. But today, today is a new day. I am not improved, I am far from that. But I am going to write my feelings, my thoughts, and my dreams down. This will start, or restart my journey. A journey of a 30 year old girl that has no idea what she is doing with her life. I hope you enjoy my stories, share laughs with me as well as tears, and maybe even learn a thing or two.
Big Dreams. Lots of Hope and Love .
**A**
